“Deadly Words” Could Kill Your Relationship

I noticed this post recently on Facebook.  I’m certainly familiar with the “men just don’t understand” type of humor, but I’m not a big fan.  I’m sure I am guilty of it sometimes, but generally think it is insidious within a relationship.

 

“5 Deadly Words” is particularly sad to me, because it is based on some of the most undermining behaviors to a relationship—mindreading, undermining trust and most damaging, contempt or disgust.  It immediately brings to mind the most researched person in relationship research, John Gottman.  He has a concept called “The Four Horsemen: lethal negativities that can run rampant and ruin a relationship.  They are 1) Criticism 2) Contempt 3) Defensiveness 4) Stonewalling.  All on display in the above post.

 

Fine and That’s Okay

When people expect their partners to read their minds, they are constantly disappointed.   If you say, “Fine”—even if you imply with your tone that you are not fine,–your partner may think you are, in fact, fine.  They may be left confused, frustrated, wanting to give up on trying to figure out if they can work it out with you. At worst, she or he is being taught that they cannot trust what you say.  Gottman might call it Stonewalling. 

 

Nothing

If “nothing means something”, wouldn’t it be better to talk about the something?  This implies that there is something being held back, again asking for mindreading and undermining the trust that you will put effort into working things through.  Gottman would call this Defensiveness.

 

Go Ahead

I have a picture in my mind of the woman saying, “Go ahead.  It is a dare, not permission.”  She is a woman with anger radiating from her stomach, red with bile.  I will again turn to, John Gottman for advice on this, principle 6 in his “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , “Overcome Gridlock.”  Generally, by moving from gridlock to dialogue, you can get to the base of your individual underlying dreams that aren’t being addressed or respected.  If you can learn what your partner’s dreams are and then respect them—which doesn’t mean you have to share them—you can often come to some agreement on how to give each other room for their individual dreams.

 

Whatever and Wow

“Screw you,” is generally not a good place to go in any conflict with the person with whom you want to share the rest of your life.  Gottman would call this Contempt.  In his research, couples who treat each other with contempt or disgust are more likely to end up divorced. 

 

So if you did thought “5 Deadly Words” was funny or just want to tweak your relationship, recommend reading John Gottman and Nan Silver’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” or find a couple’s therapist who can help you change your communication habits (I can help you find one, e-mail me at eileendordek@comcast.net). 

Tags: Interpersonal Communication, John Gottman, Relationships