See-Saw Theory Can Apply to Any Relationship

I often talk with clients about what I call “The See-Saw Theory.”  It is a very simple concept.  Don’t get stuck in one behavioral response to a predictable, repetitive trigger; change it up. Here is an example:

Pat is always on time and Lee always runs late.  This is factual, repetitive and predictable.  If Lee is always late and Pat always gets angry, this will lead to predictable conflict; repetitive conflict can increase negative feelings and possibly increase distance in relationships.  The See-Saw Theory would suggest that Pat and Lee can vary their behavior; here are some ideas:

Lee can 1) Run late and apologize for it; 2) Run late and defend self, (i.e., “I have to get the whole family ready while you only get yourself ready, so you can just deal with it”); 3) Acknowledge  running late and give Pat the okay to go ahead; 4) Ask Pat for help so Lee will be ready more quickly 5) Try, once in a while, to be ready on time, etc.

Pat can 1) Wait and nag Lee to “hurry up”; 2) Try running late to see what it is like and let Lee see what it feels like; 3) Tell Lee that the time to leave is 30 minutes before the actual time; 4) Ask Lee if Pat can get going and meet there; 5) Just leave without Lee; 6) Wait patiently and do something productive while waiting.

In every relationship, there are repetitive conflicts or chronic problems that will probably never go away. We know this intuitively, and can probably easily rattle off a handful of these chronic problems for each significant relationship we have.

It might be worth a few minutes to think about these when you are not in the middle of a conflict.  What are your triggers? What do you always end up fighting about? What is your worst habit that bothers the people in your life?  If you can identify them, then take some time to think through other ways that you can behave in these circumstances.  And try them out.  You might get a different response than usual and get that See-Saw moving.  As long as you don’t get stuck using one behavior and move through the range, you can make the chronic problem a lot more tolerable.

A Diagnosis for Elsa in the Movie “Frozen”

  I was watching Frozen recently with my kids and it was hard to take my therapist’s hat off to just enjoy it.   If you didn’t see the movie Frozen, here’s a quick summary.  Elsa has a magic power to create ice and snow. Worried that she would be ostracized from society, her parents lock her in her room and tell her to keep her powers secret, even from her younger sister, Ana.  To control her powers, she basically has to stop having emotions.  After the parents die, Elsa is crowned Queen.  That day, she erupts and everyone finds out about her powers.  She decides to run off, induldges her power and leaves a chronic winter behind (sound familiar Chicagoans?).  In trying to protect herself, she hurts her sister, Ana, who then needs to be saved by “an act of true love.”  Spoiler Alert:  My kids and I love that the “act of true love” is between the sisters when Ana sacrifices herself to save Elsa.  This leads to the thawing of both the sisters’ hearts and the end of winter (do we need an “Act of True Love” Chicago?).

So what’s going on here psychologically?  Elsa tries cutting herself off from people and emotions and it doesn’t work.  She can’t successfuly keep her emotions locked up, so they end up exploding and hurting her sister, whom she loves.  Diagnosis: Anger problems or more specifically, Adjustment Disorder with Disturbance of Conduct.  What this means is that Elsa is “adjusting” to her situation of being socially isolated by acting out with inappropriate behavior.  Because she has poor social skills due to social isolation, she is unable tolerate a disagreement with her sister and gets overwhelmed with her anger.

What would it have been like if Elsa and Ana’s parents had gone to a family therapist when they first found out about her powers?  I think that each family could have spoken about their feelings: worry, fear, grief, excitement, disappointment, etc.  Together, they could have come up with a better plan to help Elsa manage her feelings.  Her therapist could have given her some coping skills: breathing and relaxation exercises; challenging her negative self talk; including regular exercise into her routine; imagery, meditation.  By encouraging her to have friends and social interaction instead of cutting herself off, Elsa could have learned appropriate social behavior by getting feedback from her peers, at the very least, her younger sister, Ana.

Honestly, it reminds me of people I know, who are wound up so tight that they snap so easily when they get frustrated.  I always assume that there are supressed feeling beneath and a reluctance to open up about any of the feelings for fear of exploding.  So if you or someone you know has explosive anger, there is help available.  If you e-mail me at eileendordek@comcast.net, I can connect you with a therapist to help with anger management.

Breathing Will Calm You Down–REALLY!

I have had several clients recently who are dealing with anxiety, stress or anger.  With each of these problems, we often feel symptoms in our physical body, probably even before we identify the feeling associated with the tension.  While dealing with the feelings is obviously a very important part of treatment, I start with the body and the signals it’s giving.  If you can calm the body, you have a lot more control over your reaction to the stressor.

Here is an example.  A client told me that he has problems with anger.  He will deal with a stressful day at work while keeping it all under control.  He drives home and usually experiences some road rage.  Then when he gets home, he often explodes at a loved one about something that bothers him, but realizes that he has an outsized response because he has not dealt with his feelings throughout the day.

My first question, as it usually is, was”Where do you feel it in your body?”  Most clients reply, “I don’t know,” because they are not used to identifying the physical signal their body is sending them before they “blow.”  Your body is always sending you signals wheter you know it yet or not.  For this particular client, he realized that he felt tension in his hands, “I’m a streering wheel gripper,” he said.  It would often travel up to tension in his head.  Personally, when I am stressed or anxious, I feel like I have a motor running in my chest, like gears speedily grinding away.

So this is how I proceed with trying to calm the physical tension in the body.

1. Breath.  If my client has done some work prior to coming to see me, like doing yoga, Tai Chi or mediation, they usually have some good breathing skills.  If they have never done any work, I will teach them how to breathe.  A good starting exercise is, “Breathe in, 2, 3, 4, Exhale, 2, 3, 4, 5.”  Exhaling longer than you inhale increases calm

2.  Once we identify the place of the tension in the body, I ask my client to close their eyes and try to come up with an image of the tension.  Does it have a shape or a form?  Does it have a color?

3.  I encourage the person to use their breath to change the form or the color of the tension.  After about 4 breaths, I ask if the form or color has changed.  And often it does.

4.  Practice this exercise regularly.  It will not be available to a person if they have not been sharpening this tool

What’s the Next Thing That Will Kill Me?

 Astronaut Chris Hadfield 

This blog post was inspired when I was listening to Fresh Air and Terri Gross interviewed Astronaut Chris Hadfield (if you haven’t watched his videos on YouTube–including singing David Bowie’s Major Tom–I recommend them; here’s my daughter’s favorite http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMtXfwk7PXg).

Hadfield explained that in NASA, they think about “What’s the Next Thing That Will Kill Me?”  He asked, “As a crew, how do you stay focused and not get paralyzed by the fear of it?  How we do it is to break down, ‘What are the risks’ or ‘What’s the Next Thing That Will Kill Me?’”  Then he explained that they dig in and look at, “So this might kill us . . . let’s get ready . . . and think about why that might effect what we’re doing, let’s have a plan” for that. And then at NASA, they practice and practice.

While most of us don’t have to deal with the consequences facing astronauts, people with anxiety often feel the effects of their flight or fight response, which feels like “What’s the next thing that will kill me?”  Unfortunately, so many people respond to this fear by avoidance, for example, not getting a lump checked out instead of  risking finding out it is cancer.  The result of avoidance is usually an increase in anxiety instead of a decrease.  The not knowing builds anxiety and gives you the opportunity to indulge the what ifs. Avoidance delays action-taking, which is the best way to actually reduce anxiety.

So I really like Astronaut Hadfield’s ” break it down, make a plan” approach to any anxiety.  Here is my recommendation for how to apply this to daily anxieties, like fear of flying.

1. What’s the worst thing that can happen? “I might get claustrophobic”, or “I might die.”   
2. Play out the scenario.  You have a panic attack. You die.
3. Come up with a plan and take action. 

• See a therapist who can help you learn strategies to manage your anxiety and reduce the symptoms of a panic attack. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can be very useful.*
• Many therapists can help you with exposure therapy, EMDR, or, hypnosis which are also effective with anxiety.*
• Talk to your doctor about taking anti-anxiety medication for this specific situation.

1. Practice. Learn coping mechanisms and then practice them over and over again so you can access them when you really need them (like the Astronauts!). 

Finally, are you afraid of dying?  If you play out many anxieties to their end, it often comes down to a fear of dying.  If you have a fear of dying, you need to deal with it.  You should talk to a therapist, clergy, family or friends to help you come to grips with it.  While you probably won’t die on that plane flight, statistically speaking, you will die at some point.  So don’t let the fear of dying keep you from living.  Or as Drake says, “Everybody dies but not everybody lives.”

*If you live in the Chicago area and would like a referral to a therapist who practices CBT, ACT, EMDR, imagery or hypnosis, feel free to contact me at eileendordek@comcast.net.

 

 

Shalom Bayit or Peaceful House

I was in class yesterday morning with Rabbi Eddie Goldberg at Temple Sholom and he brought up the concept of “Shalom Bayit” or a peaceful house.  The word “LISTEN” popped into my head.  Then he immediately said, “And do you know what the first word in the scroll on a Mezuzah is? (Mezuzah is the scroll hung on the doorposts of Jewish homes).  “It is Shema. To Listen.” he said.

I immediately wrote that down for a blog post idea.  Rabbi Goldberg went on to say that he tells kids, “You have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.”  But sometimes, I think it is the adults who need to remember to listen better.  

Obvious things that we know cause conflict in families:

1. We get on each other’s nerves
2. We often feel like we are getting the short end of the stick and pulling more weight than other family members.
3. Kids often feel like one child gets favorable treatment.
4. We expect famliy members to respond exactly like they have responded in similar circumstances.
5. We respond exactly like we have responded in similar circumstances.

So we often don’t bother to listen to each other.  

When you stop talking and just listen, your family members are more likely to talk to you.  When you can listen to what they want, instead of telling them what you think they should want, they are more likely to trust you.  And you don’t have to agree with them, you just can listen to it and be non-reactive for a brief moment.  That might set you up for a different outcome than usual.

And if you want to take it to the next level, use reflective listening.  If you hear feelings or emotions in their statement, reflect them back.  When you make statements that show that you are listening to them–hearing the feelings they are having– like, “That sounds frustrating,” “That must be hurtful,” “That sounds annoying,” or “Are you feeling angry about that?,” they feel heard and that always feels good to everyone.  

I am thinking that some people might be saying, “I would love to listen but my family member won’t talk!” Instead of peppering them with questions, try questions with feelings?  Try “How did you feel about your test today?,” instead of “How was your test?,” which can easily be answered by “fine.”  Try “How are you feeling about that case you are working on now?” instead of the alternative.  It just might get you a bit more information to listen to.

“Is there a “right” therapist for me?”

 

I am listening to Fresh Air on NPR (I know, big surprise) about a couple who were both in the army and are now dealing with traumatic brain injury (Plenty of Time When We Get Home: Love and Recovery in the Aftermath of War by Kayla Williams).  She was talking about going to therapy for her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  She said, “Fortunately, I got a therapist who was not touchy-feely.”  She said that with such surprise, It occurred to me that a lot of people don’t know that there are many different kinds of therapists who do therapy in lots of different ways.

I am frequently engaged in helping other people find therapists.  I put a lot of thought into this and really enjoy trying to come up with a good fit.  Here are a few of the things that I think are important to take into consideration when finding a therapist.

1. Location, location, locaation!  Truly, if your therapist is not convenient, it will be very difficult to get to therapy or you will start to resent making the effort to get there.  I always try to find a therapist for someone based on whether it would be easier to see the therapist close to work or close to home, whether they have a car or take public transportation.

2. Personality.  Some clients are looking for “the good mother,” someone warm and accepting.  I have a go-to friend for those types of people and generally those relationships have worked out well.  I have another friend who is is really sharp and has a dry sense of humor.  She was the perfect therapist of the friend who “did not want to be babied,” they were a great fit.

3. Style.  Are you a more intellectual, analytical or feeling oriented person.  Do you have a healthy sense of humor or are you more quiet and pensive.  It’s important to find a therapist who will meet you where you are at, but will also challenge you on your defenses (i.e., over-using humor to camouflage uncomfortable feelings, etc).  Do you need a light touch or someone really straight forward (that’s me, by the way).   

4. Insurance coverage or payment amount.  If you want to use insurance and you have a qualifying diagnosis, try your best to find a therapist who is covered by your insurance because you don’t want to become resentful (or poor) paying a therapist when you don’t need to.  If you can’t find a therapist who feels like a good fit covered by your insurance, try to find someone who might see you for the insurance reimbursement rate, which is probably a lot less than their regular rate.

It can be overwhelming to find a therapist.  You can read a blurb about a therapist on a website (like Psychology Today, which I think is pretty good) but it can be hard for a non-professional to differentiate between them.  Don’t hesitate to ask for help from a therapist friend if you have one.  

Once you find a therapist, It is okay to interview them.  Ask questions about how they do therapy, what their style is.  If your questions are going to take more than, 20 minutes or so, offer to make an appointment for a session so you don’t take too much of their time.  Most therapists, including me, will charge you for an initial session whether you decide to continue with that therapist or not. 

It is okay to Google a therapist.  Recently, a new client told me, “I hope it is okay, but I googled you and read your blog,” like she was embarrassed.  I was thrilled, because I think that my blog really reflects who I am as a therapist, so I felt like she had some insight into me before we started working together.

 

On Valentine’s Day

 How do you celebrate a “Hallmark Holiday” in a serious relationship?  Do you acknowledge it?  Do you ignore it?  Do you do cards, chocolate, flowers, dinner?  I am reflecting on the fact that Valentine’s Day was the favorite school-celebrated Holiday for my mom, a retired 3rd grade teacher for 24 years. She loved the joy the kids got from giving valentine’s to each other.  It’s also a favorite for my kids whose school has a tradition of exchanging specially made lunches on Valentine’s Day.  The kids each write a list of the food they would like in their lunch.  And the person who gets them gives them what they want and then decorates the package the lunch comes in, maybe throwing in a bit of candy, etc.  The kids always love the process of making the lunch that they are giving special.  They love the thought and process that goes into giving; knowing their lunch is the food they requested meets their expectations.

So maybe you should go outside your comfort zone this year and get someting for a loved one for Valentine’s Day.  Get them something that THEY LIKE.  Like many things in relationships, this is about the “who” more than about the “what.”

Does your partner like something concrete, a token?  Maybe your partner is romantic and that’s not usually the way that you roll.  Valentine’s day can serve as an excuse to do something outside your comfort zone, embracing that it’s a “silly holiday” but  an opportunity to acknowledge the relationship.  This doesn’t take a lot of effort.  If you never buy flowers, but you think your partner would like it, stretch a little, make a little effort.  If he or she has a good sense of humor, buy a cheesy card under the cover of the guise of the “silly Holiday.”  Would your partner appreciate a gesture, doing something that he or she normally does, like having the car washed, making the kids’ lunches or this year, shoveling the sidewalk?  Doing something thoughtful feels good to both the receiver and the giver, as well.

A teenage friend told me that the boy she likes is going to cook dinner for her on Valentine’s Day.  I LOVE this because it is simple, but in it’s own way a grand gesture as teenage boys don’t generally cook dinner, and it takes more effort than taking her out to dinner.  What a nice way for him to say that she is special.

If you have a tradition, stick to it.  My Dad used to always get us  kids the little red chocolate hearts each year and I would have been disappointed if they didn’t come.  But you can add a thoughtful action to your tradition and wow your loved one.  “You’re going to do the dishes while I watch Olympic Ice Skating?”  It’s just too much!

Get an Alarm Clock, People

I have heard many references recently to people “waking up and checking their cell phones first thing in the morning.”  I am against cell phones in the bedroom.  I know lots of people don’t have landlines or alarm clocks anymore. I say, “Get a f#@king alarm clock, people.”  And here’s why . . .

1. Better Sleep

If your phone is in your bedroom prior to sleep, you are going to be tempted to check e-mail and texts, or read articles, right before you try to sleep.  All of this information can increase anxiety and give your brain a reason to distract you from sleep.  In addition, it is well documented that using light-emitting electronic devices prior to sleep inhibits the production of Melatonin which helps prepare your body to shut down for sleep (Mark Millan,”Reading on iPad before bed can affect sleep habits” April 24, 2010).

A May 2008 article in Scientific American (http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=mind-control-by-cell) even suggests that being near a cell phone while trying to sleep can disrupt brainwaves even after the phone is turned off.

2. Pavlovian Response
When our phones “bing,” “chirp” or “tweet” audio signals, letting us know that we have received communication (texts, voicemails, tweets), we are willingly participating in Classical Conditioning made famous by physiologist Ivan Pavlov and his dogs (and illustrated hilariously on an episode of “The Office” when Jim trains Dwight to crave Altoids, http://vimeo.com/5371237).

If you want to be more productive and waste less time checking e-mail, texts, etc, turn off your alert sounds and just check when you take periodic breaks from work.  Though the sounds are more deeply reinforcing, even seeing your phone makes you want to check it.  So leaving your phone outside of your bedroom helps you avoid the trigger and get down to the business of sleep.

Read this Article “Relax! You’ll Be More Productive.”

Yesterday, I read the Tony Schwartz article “Relax! You’ll Be More Productive” in the New York Times (http://www.nytimes.com/2013/02/10/opinion/sunday/relax-youll-be-more-productive.html).  It got me thinking about a lot of things.  Productivity is something that I–and my husband, as well– value highly, but I spend a lot of time questioning my productivity and feeling bad about myself if I don’t feel “productive.”  I love this article for many reasons, but especially because it places “productivity” squarely in the realm of balance.  Balance is another value that I consider highly important in my life.

I recognize that in our current culture, balance seems like a luxury because balance requires a certain amount of freedom to choose what you want to do with your time.  And I recognize that many people lack freedom in time.  I hope that in time, companies will follow the research and give workers more flexibility about how to use their time to promote better productivity and increased satisfaction at work.

The article outlines how using time more efficiently–90 minute periods of work with rest periods–helps people to do more in less time.  This also reminds me of the Montessori method of giving kids extended work time to complete their work.  I hope that more voices on this subject come to the fore so that as a culture we can continue to increase our productivity, while reducing stress instead of increasing it.

“Deadly Words” Could Kill Your Relationship

I noticed this post recently on Facebook.  I’m certainly familiar with the “men just don’t understand” type of humor, but I’m not a big fan.  I’m sure I am guilty of it sometimes, but generally think it is insidious within a relationship.

 

“5 Deadly Words” is particularly sad to me, because it is based on some of the most undermining behaviors to a relationship—mindreading, undermining trust and most damaging, contempt or disgust.  It immediately brings to mind the most researched person in relationship research, John Gottman.  He has a concept called “The Four Horsemen: lethal negativities that can run rampant and ruin a relationship.  They are 1) Criticism 2) Contempt 3) Defensiveness 4) Stonewalling.  All on display in the above post.

 

Fine and That’s Okay

When people expect their partners to read their minds, they are constantly disappointed.   If you say, “Fine”—even if you imply with your tone that you are not fine,–your partner may think you are, in fact, fine.  They may be left confused, frustrated, wanting to give up on trying to figure out if they can work it out with you. At worst, she or he is being taught that they cannot trust what you say.  Gottman might call it Stonewalling. 

 

Nothing

If “nothing means something”, wouldn’t it be better to talk about the something?  This implies that there is something being held back, again asking for mindreading and undermining the trust that you will put effort into working things through.  Gottman would call this Defensiveness.

 

Go Ahead

I have a picture in my mind of the woman saying, “Go ahead.  It is a dare, not permission.”  She is a woman with anger radiating from her stomach, red with bile.  I will again turn to, John Gottman for advice on this, principle 6 in his “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work , “Overcome Gridlock.”  Generally, by moving from gridlock to dialogue, you can get to the base of your individual underlying dreams that aren’t being addressed or respected.  If you can learn what your partner’s dreams are and then respect them—which doesn’t mean you have to share them—you can often come to some agreement on how to give each other room for their individual dreams.

 

Whatever and Wow

“Screw you,” is generally not a good place to go in any conflict with the person with whom you want to share the rest of your life.  Gottman would call this Contempt.  In his research, couples who treat each other with contempt or disgust are more likely to end up divorced. 

 

So if you did thought “5 Deadly Words” was funny or just want to tweak your relationship, recommend reading John Gottman and Nan Silver’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” or find a couple’s therapist who can help you change your communication habits (I can help you find one, e-mail me at eileendordek@comcast.net).