See-Saw Theory Can Apply to Any Relationship

I often talk with clients about what I call “The See-Saw Theory.”  It is a very simple concept.  Don’t get stuck in one behavioral response to a predictable, repetitive trigger; change it up. Here is an example:

Pat is always on time and Lee always runs late.  This is factual, repetitive and predictable.  If Lee is always late and Pat always gets angry, this will lead to predictable conflict; repetitive conflict can increase negative feelings and possibly increase distance in relationships.  The See-Saw Theory would suggest that Pat and Lee can vary their behavior; here are some ideas:

Lee can 1) Run late and apologize for it; 2) Run late and defend self, (i.e., “I have to get the whole family ready while you only get yourself ready, so you can just deal with it”); 3) Acknowledge  running late and give Pat the okay to go ahead; 4) Ask Pat for help so Lee will be ready more quickly 5) Try, once in a while, to be ready on time, etc.

Pat can 1) Wait and nag Lee to “hurry up”; 2) Try running late to see what it is like and let Lee see what it feels like; 3) Tell Lee that the time to leave is 30 minutes before the actual time; 4) Ask Lee if Pat can get going and meet there; 5) Just leave without Lee; 6) Wait patiently and do something productive while waiting.

In every relationship, there are repetitive conflicts or chronic problems that will probably never go away. We know this intuitively, and can probably easily rattle off a handful of these chronic problems for each significant relationship we have.

It might be worth a few minutes to think about these when you are not in the middle of a conflict.  What are your triggers? What do you always end up fighting about? What is your worst habit that bothers the people in your life?  If you can identify them, then take some time to think through other ways that you can behave in these circumstances.  And try them out.  You might get a different response than usual and get that See-Saw moving.  As long as you don’t get stuck using one behavior and move through the range, you can make the chronic problem a lot more tolerable.