Shalom Bayit or Peaceful House

I was in class yesterday morning with Rabbi Eddie Goldberg at Temple Sholom and he brought up the concept of “Shalom Bayit” or a peaceful house.  The word “LISTEN” popped into my head.  Then he immediately said, “And do you know what the first word in the scroll on a Mezuzah is? (Mezuzah is the scroll hung on the doorposts of Jewish homes).  “It is Shema. To Listen.” he said.

I immediately wrote that down for a blog post idea.  Rabbi Goldberg went on to say that he tells kids, “You have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.”  But sometimes, I think it is the adults who need to remember to listen better.  

Obvious things that we know cause conflict in families:

1. We get on each other’s nerves
2. We often feel like we are getting the short end of the stick and pulling more weight than other family members.
3. Kids often feel like one child gets favorable treatment.
4. We expect famliy members to respond exactly like they have responded in similar circumstances.
5. We respond exactly like we have responded in similar circumstances.

So we often don’t bother to listen to each other.  

When you stop talking and just listen, your family members are more likely to talk to you.  When you can listen to what they want, instead of telling them what you think they should want, they are more likely to trust you.  And you don’t have to agree with them, you just can listen to it and be non-reactive for a brief moment.  That might set you up for a different outcome than usual.

And if you want to take it to the next level, use reflective listening.  If you hear feelings or emotions in their statement, reflect them back.  When you make statements that show that you are listening to them–hearing the feelings they are having– like, “That sounds frustrating,” “That must be hurtful,” “That sounds annoying,” or “Are you feeling angry about that?,” they feel heard and that always feels good to everyone.  

I am thinking that some people might be saying, “I would love to listen but my family member won’t talk!” Instead of peppering them with questions, try questions with feelings?  Try “How did you feel about your test today?,” instead of “How was your test?,” which can easily be answered by “fine.”  Try “How are you feeling about that case you are working on now?” instead of the alternative.  It just might get you a bit more information to listen to.

“Is there a “right” therapist for me?”

 

I am listening to Fresh Air on NPR (I know, big surprise) about a couple who were both in the army and are now dealing with traumatic brain injury (Plenty of Time When We Get Home: Love and Recovery in the Aftermath of War by Kayla Williams).  She was talking about going to therapy for her Obsessive Compulsive Disorder.  She said, “Fortunately, I got a therapist who was not touchy-feely.”  She said that with such surprise, It occurred to me that a lot of people don’t know that there are many different kinds of therapists who do therapy in lots of different ways.

I am frequently engaged in helping other people find therapists.  I put a lot of thought into this and really enjoy trying to come up with a good fit.  Here are a few of the things that I think are important to take into consideration when finding a therapist.

1. Location, location, locaation!  Truly, if your therapist is not convenient, it will be very difficult to get to therapy or you will start to resent making the effort to get there.  I always try to find a therapist for someone based on whether it would be easier to see the therapist close to work or close to home, whether they have a car or take public transportation.

2. Personality.  Some clients are looking for “the good mother,” someone warm and accepting.  I have a go-to friend for those types of people and generally those relationships have worked out well.  I have another friend who is is really sharp and has a dry sense of humor.  She was the perfect therapist of the friend who “did not want to be babied,” they were a great fit.

3. Style.  Are you a more intellectual, analytical or feeling oriented person.  Do you have a healthy sense of humor or are you more quiet and pensive.  It’s important to find a therapist who will meet you where you are at, but will also challenge you on your defenses (i.e., over-using humor to camouflage uncomfortable feelings, etc).  Do you need a light touch or someone really straight forward (that’s me, by the way).   

4. Insurance coverage or payment amount.  If you want to use insurance and you have a qualifying diagnosis, try your best to find a therapist who is covered by your insurance because you don’t want to become resentful (or poor) paying a therapist when you don’t need to.  If you can’t find a therapist who feels like a good fit covered by your insurance, try to find someone who might see you for the insurance reimbursement rate, which is probably a lot less than their regular rate.

It can be overwhelming to find a therapist.  You can read a blurb about a therapist on a website (like Psychology Today, which I think is pretty good) but it can be hard for a non-professional to differentiate between them.  Don’t hesitate to ask for help from a therapist friend if you have one.  

Once you find a therapist, It is okay to interview them.  Ask questions about how they do therapy, what their style is.  If your questions are going to take more than, 20 minutes or so, offer to make an appointment for a session so you don’t take too much of their time.  Most therapists, including me, will charge you for an initial session whether you decide to continue with that therapist or not. 

It is okay to Google a therapist.  Recently, a new client told me, “I hope it is okay, but I googled you and read your blog,” like she was embarrassed.  I was thrilled, because I think that my blog really reflects who I am as a therapist, so I felt like she had some insight into me before we started working together.

 

On Valentine’s Day

 How do you celebrate a “Hallmark Holiday” in a serious relationship?  Do you acknowledge it?  Do you ignore it?  Do you do cards, chocolate, flowers, dinner?  I am reflecting on the fact that Valentine’s Day was the favorite school-celebrated Holiday for my mom, a retired 3rd grade teacher for 24 years. She loved the joy the kids got from giving valentine’s to each other.  It’s also a favorite for my kids whose school has a tradition of exchanging specially made lunches on Valentine’s Day.  The kids each write a list of the food they would like in their lunch.  And the person who gets them gives them what they want and then decorates the package the lunch comes in, maybe throwing in a bit of candy, etc.  The kids always love the process of making the lunch that they are giving special.  They love the thought and process that goes into giving; knowing their lunch is the food they requested meets their expectations.

So maybe you should go outside your comfort zone this year and get someting for a loved one for Valentine’s Day.  Get them something that THEY LIKE.  Like many things in relationships, this is about the “who” more than about the “what.”

Does your partner like something concrete, a token?  Maybe your partner is romantic and that’s not usually the way that you roll.  Valentine’s day can serve as an excuse to do something outside your comfort zone, embracing that it’s a “silly holiday” but  an opportunity to acknowledge the relationship.  This doesn’t take a lot of effort.  If you never buy flowers, but you think your partner would like it, stretch a little, make a little effort.  If he or she has a good sense of humor, buy a cheesy card under the cover of the guise of the “silly Holiday.”  Would your partner appreciate a gesture, doing something that he or she normally does, like having the car washed, making the kids’ lunches or this year, shoveling the sidewalk?  Doing something thoughtful feels good to both the receiver and the giver, as well.

A teenage friend told me that the boy she likes is going to cook dinner for her on Valentine’s Day.  I LOVE this because it is simple, but in it’s own way a grand gesture as teenage boys don’t generally cook dinner, and it takes more effort than taking her out to dinner.  What a nice way for him to say that she is special.

If you have a tradition, stick to it.  My Dad used to always get us  kids the little red chocolate hearts each year and I would have been disappointed if they didn’t come.  But you can add a thoughtful action to your tradition and wow your loved one.  “You’re going to do the dishes while I watch Olympic Ice Skating?”  It’s just too much!