Shalom Bayit or Peaceful House

I was in class yesterday morning with Rabbi Eddie Goldberg at Temple Sholom and he brought up the concept of “Shalom Bayit” or a peaceful house.  The word “LISTEN” popped into my head.  Then he immediately said, “And do you know what the first word in the scroll on a Mezuzah is? (Mezuzah is the scroll hung on the doorposts of Jewish homes).  “It is Shema. To Listen.” he said.

I immediately wrote that down for a blog post idea.  Rabbi Goldberg went on to say that he tells kids, “You have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.”  But sometimes, I think it is the adults who need to remember to listen better.  

Obvious things that we know cause conflict in families:

1. We get on each other’s nerves
2. We often feel like we are getting the short end of the stick and pulling more weight than other family members.
3. Kids often feel like one child gets favorable treatment.
4. We expect famliy members to respond exactly like they have responded in similar circumstances.
5. We respond exactly like we have responded in similar circumstances.

So we often don’t bother to listen to each other.  

When you stop talking and just listen, your family members are more likely to talk to you.  When you can listen to what they want, instead of telling them what you think they should want, they are more likely to trust you.  And you don’t have to agree with them, you just can listen to it and be non-reactive for a brief moment.  That might set you up for a different outcome than usual.

And if you want to take it to the next level, use reflective listening.  If you hear feelings or emotions in their statement, reflect them back.  When you make statements that show that you are listening to them–hearing the feelings they are having– like, “That sounds frustrating,” “That must be hurtful,” “That sounds annoying,” or “Are you feeling angry about that?,” they feel heard and that always feels good to everyone.  

I am thinking that some people might be saying, “I would love to listen but my family member won’t talk!” Instead of peppering them with questions, try questions with feelings?  Try “How did you feel about your test today?,” instead of “How was your test?,” which can easily be answered by “fine.”  Try “How are you feeling about that case you are working on now?” instead of the alternative.  It just might get you a bit more information to listen to.