The Worry Cycle

Picture the tornado from The Wizard of Oz.  It was so powerful it moved a house to kill the Wicked Witch of the East.  When my clients talk about how distracting and powerful their worry can be, it reminds me of this tornado. I know in my own experience (as I like to say to my clients when appropriate, “I  am not just the president of the hair club, I am also a member), when I am worried and feel helpless to take action, I somehow feel “better” spending my time worrying about it.

And there’s the catch.

When we let the worry take on a life of it’s own, when we let the tornado loose, it feels like we are actually TAKING ACTION.  That is a fallacy.  The worry MASKS itself as action; it fools us into thinking we are DOING something when we indulge the worrying.  In fact, the worrying is DRAINING, making us less able to actually take action.

Sometimes the object of the worry cycle (what you’re worrying about) is actually distracting you from the real problem.  Is there a deeper fear that is tougher to address than the indulgent worry cycle?   (One of my favorite examples is when my friends were having their first baby and he got very caught up in his philosophical view on circumcision and was questioning it, while she was in favor of it.  They spent much of the pregnancy in angst and disagreement over whether they would circumcise a boy if they had one.  The Worry Cycle was circumcision, while the underlying fear–by my assessment–was that he was just freaking out about having a child.  The good news is that they had 2 girls AND they are both terrific parents!)

What can you do?

1. Recognize what you’re doing?  “Oh, I am spending my energy worrying instead of actually doing something about it.

2.  Is this Worry Cycle distracting me from the real fear?  Talk to a therapist or insightful friends to help you with this one if you can’t easily identify it for yourself.

3.  Figure out SOMETHING that you can take action on and TAKE ACTION on it.  Even if dealing with the thing sucks (getting treatment for cancer, for example) there is usually less worry in the moment you are acting than during the preceding time you are worrying.

4.  Use tools to calm yourself down:  breathing, exercise, yoga, talking with friends, etc

(For more info on tools to manage anxiety, see my previous post 2 Steps to Managing Anxiety, https://nurves.wordpress.com/2009/03/19/2-steps-to-managing-anxiety/)

Grey Is Great

Grey is Great!

I have started reading Happier by Tal Ben-Shahar, Ph.D, a Positive Psychology professor at Harvard. It was recommended to me by my friend and Coach extraordinaire, Suzanne LoSasso. I have not done much reading specifically on Positive Pschology, but it certainly seems to suit my style and practice. The book is great, because it explains positive psychology in a simple, understandable way and is like a workbook, encouraging the reader to stop and apply concepts to your life as you read. It inspired this blog topic.

Try to appreciate something every day
Robert Emmons and Michael McCullough researched people who kept a daily gratitude journal and discovered those people expressed higher levels of emotional and physical well-being. Goals are important, even essential, to the experience of fulfillment, but who hasn’t experienced “the crash” after a big event or accomplishment? I hear this so often about people who have just gotten married, for example, or finished the big conference, or even just finished the end of school for the year. Without something to look forward to, many people feel depressed or blue.

How do you challenge this? Look for the more simple joys in everyday life, the moments of beauty or peace. Be present and notice and imprint your experiences, both simple and spectacular.

The Flower Analogy: Each day a bud of joy can blossom, but not every bud will turn into a colorful bloom that will catch your attention with its vibrancy or fragrance. Some days are like the multitude of little purple flowers that grew on the vinca ground cover in front of my house. Simple and nice, predictable and pretty if I take the time to notice them and not just walk by because I am so familiar with them.

Grey is Great!
If every single flower were bright, attention-getting, deliciously fragrant, how would you tell them apart. Wouldn’t they just blend together and become common instead of exceptional? If all your experiences were awesome, would you notice the great ones? For most of us, life is made up of the shades of grey. It is possible to find contentment, satisfaction or happiness in those shades of grey. And they help us to notice and remember the vibrant colors when they occur. And if you can be present, really take notice at all these times—the joy of sharing a regular meal with your family or friends, or having a productive day at work, or reading a good book—as well as enjoying a wedding, a graduation, a spectacular performance—if you can notice and engage and imprint these experiences, instead of just focusing on the next thing–you can experience joy.