Crazy Train—Listen to Ozzy Osbourne and Get Off It!

I was reading Rolling Stone and came across an “Ask Ozzy” column that I adore and had to blog about. Here is the entry:

• QUESTION: My dad is sick.  I should be flying every weekend from my home in Dallas to Atlanta to see him. Trouble is, I’m terrified of flying.  What do I do? –Liz, Texas
• ANSWER:  A lot of people are gonna think you’re an arsehole when they read this, but phobias don’t make sense to people who don’t have ‘em.  Bottom line, though: If you don’t see your dad and something happens to him, the guilt will hit you like a shovel in the back of the head.  It’ll be worse than any phobia, trust me.  Get pills.  Go to therapy.  Move closer. Or get in the car and f#*king drive.”  (Osbourne, Ozzy. “Ask Dr. Ozzy.” Rolling Stone November 8, 2012: 18.)

I love this answer for so many reasons.  I will talk about three:

1. Advice vs. Therapy
2. Guilt is self-created and therefore, you can control it more than you think.
3. Take action, damn it.

1. From my point of view, therapy is a process through which a therapist helps clients see options and choices, and helps them come to their own conclusion about what they want to do in their lives. Therapy might be listening, just listening.  Telling someone what you think they should do, is not therapy, it is advice.  There is absolutely a role for advice.  Family and friends are great resources for advice.  So is Ozzy Osbourne apparently.  But if you need help figuring things out for yourself, therapy can be more helpful than advice.  As a therapist, when I give advice—and I definitely do—I try to flag it to let my client know it is different from therapy.

2. Guilt often feels like something that someone else (a parent, or a spouse, for example) does to you: “She made me feel guilty, so I went to visit her.”  Like Ozzy, I think guilt is more about NOT doing things that you could do in relation to people you care about.
What can you do about guilt?  When you feel guilty, try to identify the source.  For example, when the phone rings and you see the name of that person you thought about calling, but didn’t, you get that sinking feeling in your chest: guilt.  Change the dynamic and start initiating the calls.  Once a week, pick up the phone and call.  And then you get the bonus of being able to start the conversation with, “I have a few minutes before I am doing ___, so I thought I would call.”  After a few minutes, you get off the call.  Done, guilt-free.

3. Take Action!  If you read my blog last week, you might be sensing a major theme in my philosophy as a therapist—movement.  Change takes time, bad feelings need time to work themselves through your emotional system.  But nothing changes if you don’t move at all.  Start somewhere, take one step at a time.  Thanks, Ozzy!

A Good Way to Earn Trust—Manage Expectations Well

When I talk about managing expectations with my clients, it is usually in regards to the irritating things that come up all the time in relationships. For example, when you say “I am leaving right now, wait for me for dinner,” and then show up 2 hours later; or, “I will take out the garbage before I leave,” and then you don’t.  That’s irritating and builds frustration in relationships.

But I don’t think people realize that by NOT managing people’s expectations, you undermine trust.  It is bigger than just irritation.  Trust in relationships goes beyond, “Will you be faithful to me?”  The question, “Will you be there for me?” is a much broader one.  Whenever you say you will do something and then don’t, it chips away at this trust.  

This can be particularly pertinent in relationships with children.  They understand at a deep level that if you say, “I will play with you later” and you don’t, that they can’t always trust you to do what you say you will do.  My kids get very irritated when I say “Maybe,” and give an explanation, but I try hard to manage their expectations.

How do you fix your bad management of expectations?  It’s pretty easy. 

1. ALWAYS add time to your estimates.
2. Better to say “I don’t know” or be a little vague than disappoint.
3. Be open about your constraints.  If you have a busy schedule and might not be able to get something done, be honest about it and give a little detail (not a lot, because a lot of detail is an excuse).  Particularly children can learn empathy if they have a better idea about your responsibilities.
4. Don’t give excuses; take responsibility for your actions.  When I go to my piano lesson and I want to make all kinds of excuses for why I didn’t practice for the week, it sounds so lame in my own head, I don’t say it.  I just say, “I didn’t practice a lot this week.”  I manage my teacher’s expectations for my (lack of) performance and sound like an adult.
5. If you say you will do something, just f#*king do it.  If you’re not planning on really doing it, then don’t say you will.  It’s that simple.

Trust in relationships is one of the most important aspects to a good relationship.  A big break in trust is hard to deal with.  Living with a consistent pattern of small breaks in trust is almost as bad.