Decision Making: A Tool to Build Sense of Self

I am reading the book, “How We Decide” by Jonah Lehrer 2009.  It is an interesting look at the way people make decisions particularly the interplay between emotion and logic.  I have been thinking about decision-making professionally for a long time.  As I read it, my views on decision-making are backed up by both Lehrer in “How We Decide” and also by the theory put forth by Malcolm Gladwell in “Blink” from 2007.

My read on “How We Decide” and “Blink” is that many people believe that the best decisions are logical, well thought out and well analyzed.  Emotional decisions can be “gut reactions” and often feel too spontaneous to be “good” decisions.   Both Gladwell and Lehrer sight case after case where people’s gut or emotional decisions, paired with brief analysis, often have better outcomes than overly analyzed decisions.  Lehrer in “How We Decide” particularly outlines how too much information or analysis can overload our brains–sounds like anxiety, doesn’t it?–sometimes leading to decisions with poorer outcomes.

Basically, my theory is that people who lack a strong sense of self or a lot of generalized anxiety, often have difficulty making decisions–maybe because they are too anxious, maybe they try to think of every possible outcome overwhelming their brains, and maybe because they lack inherent self-trust to feel confident in their gut decisions.  Many clients worry about which decision is right, leaving themselves passive when the power is outside of themselves instead of believing they have some control of the outcome.

With my clients, I work on encouraging them to briefly analyze options and then make a decision.  Once a decision is made, it is the IN YOUR POWER to do things that can MAKE it the right decision.  That is the key–MAKE IT THE RIGHT DECISION.  When that occurs, it is like a building block for your sense of self, like the following example:

“I was unsure of whether to move to a new job that I was offered.  I could see positives and negatives to staying and going.  I was worried about what the “right” decision was.  I decided to take the new job.  Now that I am here, I am actively working to shine a light on the positive aspects of this job.  I am trying to learn what I can, meet people and gain allies.  I am working hard to find out the strengths of my new company and not focus on the weaknesses, reminding myself that it was difficult when I started my last job, but I began to feel comfortable as time went on. ”  The positives can be woven into the sense of self as something YOU accomplished, something that came to being from YOUR actions.  That’s one way to build a sense of self.

When we find that a decision doesn’t work out, it is also an opportunity to build a sense of self.  An example:  “I moved in with my boyfriend.  I discovered more about him and that we are not as compatible as I had hoped.  While I still care about him, I now realize that even though that decision might have not worked out, it leads me closer to knowing what to do long term with this relationship–break up.  I have learned more about him and certainly more about what I want out of relationships.  I can use this information to be better informed in future relationships. ”  It is still a building block for the sense of self.  You made a decision, it didn’t work out, but you now have evidence you can get through tough decisions, you can handle it and you can fix the situation.  

Either outcome:  making a good decision or making a decision that doesn’t work out, is a better outcome than sitting with indecision, questioning your sense of self.

The Post-Spring Break, Crappy-Weather-Still-Far-From-Summer, Parenting Edition

Like many of my friends and clients, I have been dealing of late with children who–though it is biologically impossible–seem to be on a pre-menstrual, bi-polar roller coaster.  Nagging each other, yelling at me, bursting into tears spontaneously, and even dramatically lying across the stairs saying.  Alternating with bursts of energy, talking incessantly, lots of cuddle time and declaring, “Mom, have I told you I love you today? (this one often sounding very staged).  When there’s a lot of the whiny mantra, “It ‘s just not fair,”  or “You just don’t get me!,” followed by crying, from my 8 year old daughter or even my 7 year old son, it makes my blood boil.

As I say to my clients, which is particularly relevant on this subject:  “I am not just the President of the hair club, I am also a member.”  Here are some ATTEMPTS that I make to try to deal with managing my kids emotional outbursts as well as managing my own feelings around them.  Please forgive me if there is nothing novel in this post, but it is a helpful exercise for me to review it myself.

1. Do not take it personally.  Since I view children’s definition of  hate as intense feelings of frustration or an outlet for when they cannot manage their anxiety, I do not take the word personally.  If they are blowing up at me, their parent, and are holding themselves together at school and activities, that’s pretty good.   (If the blow-ups are too frequent, or keep them unglued for extended periods of time, they may need some new tools to add to their toolbox regarding how to manage anxiety and frustration.  A therapist or a social skills group can help with that if the school does not provide that kind of assistance.)
   FORGIVE ME FOR THE OBVIOUSNESS OF 2 & 3 
2. Exercise I try to make sure that they and I both get exercise.  Like adults, exercise helps kids deal with frustration and emotions.  Our emotional system is like our digestive system.  Emotions need to move through you:  if you stop up your feelings up,  you get constipation of emotions; when you finally let it out, it’s like diarrhea of your emotions.  So exercise is a great way to help move the emotions through you and your child.
    
3. Sleep Get plenty of sleep and make sure the kids get plenty of sleep.  It is tempting to let them stay up later as the sun goes down later, but they still need the same amount of sleep.  I think the payoff of enough sleep is worth the struggle and the discipline (I am definitely using my positive self-talk right now as my husband is currently out of town and I find it very hard to stop puttering at night and put myself to sleep at a reasonable hour).
    
4. Parents are Human, too While dealing with the emotional ups and downs of children, don’t be afraid to let them see the challenges that it poses.  This is a good time for them to see that you are human and are not perfect and therefore do not expect them to be perfect.  Being overt about how you’re parenting– without strongly losing your temper–can be helpful to both of you.   It will certainly lead to better discussions when they do calm down.  

• “I feel really frustrated with your behavior when you act like this.”
• “I am doing the best that I can.”
• “I’m sorry that I am losing my temper, but I am feeling very frustrated right now.”
• “It is difficult to hear what you are saying when you are saying it in such a disrespectful way.”
• “I can hear that you are frustrated.  When you calm down, I am here to help you.”
• “I understand your point, but I still may disagree with you.”
•  Admit it when you are wrong:  “I made a bad decision and I’m sorry it made you upset.”  This gives them good role modeling for taking responsibility for themselves.

   5.  Breathe  If  YOU take a breathe, their behavior is easier to tolerate.  And encourage them to take a breathe, too.  Together take in a deep breath–4 counts inhale, 5 counts exhale.  Teach that tool to your kids when they are not losing it so they will be able to use the tool to breathe when they really need it.