See-Saw Theory Can Apply to Any Relationship

I often talk with clients about what I call “The See-Saw Theory.”  It is a very simple concept.  Don’t get stuck in one behavioral response to a predictable, repetitive trigger; change it up. Here is an example:

Pat is always on time and Lee always runs late.  This is factual, repetitive and predictable.  If Lee is always late and Pat always gets angry, this will lead to predictable conflict; repetitive conflict can increase negative feelings and possibly increase distance in relationships.  The See-Saw Theory would suggest that Pat and Lee can vary their behavior; here are some ideas:

Lee can 1) Run late and apologize for it; 2) Run late and defend self, (i.e., “I have to get the whole family ready while you only get yourself ready, so you can just deal with it”); 3) Acknowledge  running late and give Pat the okay to go ahead; 4) Ask Pat for help so Lee will be ready more quickly 5) Try, once in a while, to be ready on time, etc.

Pat can 1) Wait and nag Lee to “hurry up”; 2) Try running late to see what it is like and let Lee see what it feels like; 3) Tell Lee that the time to leave is 30 minutes before the actual time; 4) Ask Lee if Pat can get going and meet there; 5) Just leave without Lee; 6) Wait patiently and do something productive while waiting.

In every relationship, there are repetitive conflicts or chronic problems that will probably never go away. We know this intuitively, and can probably easily rattle off a handful of these chronic problems for each significant relationship we have.

It might be worth a few minutes to think about these when you are not in the middle of a conflict.  What are your triggers? What do you always end up fighting about? What is your worst habit that bothers the people in your life?  If you can identify them, then take some time to think through other ways that you can behave in these circumstances.  And try them out.  You might get a different response than usual and get that See-Saw moving.  As long as you don’t get stuck using one behavior and move through the range, you can make the chronic problem a lot more tolerable.

What’s the Next Thing That Will Kill Me?

 Astronaut Chris Hadfield 

This blog post was inspired when I was listening to Fresh Air and Terri Gross interviewed Astronaut Chris Hadfield (if you haven’t watched his videos on YouTube–including singing David Bowie’s Major Tom–I recommend them; here’s my daughter’s favorite http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lMtXfwk7PXg).

Hadfield explained that in NASA, they think about “What’s the Next Thing That Will Kill Me?”  He asked, “As a crew, how do you stay focused and not get paralyzed by the fear of it?  How we do it is to break down, ‘What are the risks’ or ‘What’s the Next Thing That Will Kill Me?’”  Then he explained that they dig in and look at, “So this might kill us . . . let’s get ready . . . and think about why that might effect what we’re doing, let’s have a plan” for that. And then at NASA, they practice and practice.

While most of us don’t have to deal with the consequences facing astronauts, people with anxiety often feel the effects of their flight or fight response, which feels like “What’s the next thing that will kill me?”  Unfortunately, so many people respond to this fear by avoidance, for example, not getting a lump checked out instead of  risking finding out it is cancer.  The result of avoidance is usually an increase in anxiety instead of a decrease.  The not knowing builds anxiety and gives you the opportunity to indulge the what ifs. Avoidance delays action-taking, which is the best way to actually reduce anxiety.

So I really like Astronaut Hadfield’s ” break it down, make a plan” approach to any anxiety.  Here is my recommendation for how to apply this to daily anxieties, like fear of flying.

1. What’s the worst thing that can happen? “I might get claustrophobic”, or “I might die.”   
2. Play out the scenario.  You have a panic attack. You die.
3. Come up with a plan and take action. 

• See a therapist who can help you learn strategies to manage your anxiety and reduce the symptoms of a panic attack. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) can be very useful.*
• Many therapists can help you with exposure therapy, EMDR, or, hypnosis which are also effective with anxiety.*
• Talk to your doctor about taking anti-anxiety medication for this specific situation.

1. Practice. Learn coping mechanisms and then practice them over and over again so you can access them when you really need them (like the Astronauts!). 

Finally, are you afraid of dying?  If you play out many anxieties to their end, it often comes down to a fear of dying.  If you have a fear of dying, you need to deal with it.  You should talk to a therapist, clergy, family or friends to help you come to grips with it.  While you probably won’t die on that plane flight, statistically speaking, you will die at some point.  So don’t let the fear of dying keep you from living.  Or as Drake says, “Everybody dies but not everybody lives.”

*If you live in the Chicago area and would like a referral to a therapist who practices CBT, ACT, EMDR, imagery or hypnosis, feel free to contact me at eileendordek@comcast.net.